Feelings?

So. A few days ago, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer which has metastasized into his spine. According to the oncologist, he's got a maximum six months to live if he chooses to not have chemo.

For me, this one is weird. See, my childhood was a violent, fucked up, prolonged nightmare, mostly because of him. As a result of that, I pretty much stopped speaking to him when I was 16 - 20 years ago. Whoa. Typing that made me realise just what a long time that is... more than half my life. There's been moments in those 20 years (!) when I've made an effort to talk with him, have some kind of basic relationship, and each time I've walked away thinking "Jesus, such a grunting pig. What a cunt. That was a waste of time." and carried on.

Anyway, here's what I'm feeling now: nothing. Absolutely nothing, and I don't know if that's right. In an abstract way, I think "Oh that's terrible, I hope his pain can be controlled", just as I'd think about any stranger I'd heard about with that diagnosis. But as for anything else? Nup. I have several siblings and at least two of them are extremely upset about his diagnosis (I don't speak to the others either - don't tolerate dickheads, and just cos I'm related to them doesn't mean I'm any more inclined to put up with their foolish shit - so I'm not sure what they reckon: presumably they're upset too). I just couldn't give a fuck... truly. If I was Gallic, I'd give an appropriate shrug.

The only thing that's popped into my vacant little head that if he wants to apologise for making my childhood so miserable, I'd consider caring about his future. But he won't apologise - he's simply not that kind of person - so I'm left metaphorically shrugging.

Is something wrong with me, or am I just at peace with never having a relationship with my father?

Nick Cave

On an Australian-based blog I read just about every day, one of the esteemed posters has been doing a countdown of their Top 10 songs. Such a hard task to undertake, and one I'd never attempt - it would cause me too much angst, not least because I have favourite songs for different moods. And while I'm not sure that death can be classified as a mood, I've even compiled a list of songs I'd like played at my funeral. Although that was a long time ago and will need to be reviewed.


Anyway. On the other blog, this week's Top 10 song is a Nick Cave track. Now, I'll just explain I've always loathed the sound of Nick Cave's voice, ever since I first heard it, at uni. Yeah, I realise it's practically un-Australian or Melburnian or something to admit that publicly, but it's true. I totally don't get the whole Nick Cave love thing. He sounds like a droning fucking nightmare and his voice makes me want to slash my wrists. Although that could be a little strong, I have a fairly visceral reaction to the sound of his voice.

There, I've got that off my chest. Thank you, I feel much better.