So. A few days ago, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer which has metastasized into his spine. According to the oncologist, he's got a maximum six months to live if he chooses to not have chemo.
For me, this one is weird. See, my childhood was a violent, fucked up, prolonged nightmare, mostly because of him. As a result of that, I pretty much stopped speaking to him when I was 16 - 20 years ago. Whoa. Typing that made me realise just what a long time that is... more than half my life. There's been moments in those 20 years (!) when I've made an effort to talk with him, have some kind of basic relationship, and each time I've walked away thinking "Jesus, such a grunting pig. What a cunt. That was a waste of time." and carried on.
Anyway, here's what I'm feeling now: nothing. Absolutely nothing, and I don't know if that's right. In an abstract way, I think "Oh that's terrible, I hope his pain can be controlled", just as I'd think about any stranger I'd heard about with that diagnosis. But as for anything else? Nup. I have several siblings and at least two of them are extremely upset about his diagnosis (I don't speak to the others either - don't tolerate dickheads, and just cos I'm related to them doesn't mean I'm any more inclined to put up with their foolish shit - so I'm not sure what they reckon: presumably they're upset too). I just couldn't give a fuck... truly. If I was Gallic, I'd give an appropriate shrug.
The only thing that's popped into my vacant little head that if he wants to apologise for making my childhood so miserable, I'd consider caring about his future. But he won't apologise - he's simply not that kind of person - so I'm left metaphorically shrugging.
Is something wrong with me, or am I just at peace with never having a relationship with my father?
Hi there, I stumbled accross your blog, from a link at the "site formally known as", I only read this one post and had to comment, your situation is so similar to mine..your father situation that is, I am working every day at making peace with myself about never having a relationship with my father, I think I am mostly there. No apology, or confession would ever be enough now, so much time has passed. I am more used to the absence of a father than not. I want to go to his funeral and euolgise about the hypocracy of the gathering, then scream at every last bastard there to fuck the fuck off and don't bother trying to contact me again..which I am am sure they won't anyway *hehe* So, long story short, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you are feeling and I hope you are at peace :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reassurance. As you said: "I'm more used to the absence of a father than not". And I think that's why I'm OK with it, apart from some early moments of self-doubt.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with that eulogy!
Hi again, I was a little bit pissed when I wrote that last comment. I really probably won't go to his funeral. I have been thinking about it the last couple of days. I think not going, and not confronting anyone is a major part of letting go. I just want to be free. I have not had contact with the majority of my siblings since my mother died in 2002..why change that? As for the Eulogy, I might write that just for me..just for closure, you know.
ReplyDeleteHow are things going for you?
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